The Epilogues
by TheArchives
Summary: OMAKE (HUMOROUS) Epilogues for my fic Crash and Burn. What happens after Naruto and Sasuke get together... Shounen-ai. Epilogue 10! Last one! If he'd known that was all it took, Sasuke would have done this years ago...(Complete)
1. In which Shikamaru gives a warning

Crash and Burn - Omake Epilogue #1

By: Clever Audrey, with inspiration from her fellow Archivists.

Disclaimer: Naruto characters, settings, names, anime, manga and merchandise (except for my kick-ass chibi!Naruto pin) do not belong to me. Nor am I claiming that they do. I'm just borrowing them to have some fun. >; D

AN: I'm baaack! So, here is the first of the several Omake Epilogues for Crash and Burn, which you really should read first (I'm not plugging...no...O.o). Anyway - these are meant to be HUMOR, which means there will be lots of **OOCness**, **absurd situations**, and **very bad puns**. Consider yourselves warned, and enjoy.

In which Shikamaru gives a warning

"Oi, Uchiha, hold up a sec," called Shikamaru. Sasuke, surprised, stopped and waited, waving Naruto on ahead.

"What?"

Shikamaru, hands in his pockets, studied the Uchiha teen through narrowed eyes. "You better not hurt him." He nodded in the Naruto's direction. "Because if you do – Kiba, Chouji, Neji, Lee and I will all kill you. In long, tortured and painful ways."

Sasuke was about to nod coolly to the other and leave, when he had a sudden vision.

Kiba grinning fiercely and pointing at him, calling out gleefully, "Akamaru – sic him!" The now fully grown and very fast dog growled in agreement, and chased him half-way to Sand.

Chouji growing to ten times his normal size and sitting on him. For days.

Neji, looming, his deadpan slowly turning into a rather frightening smirk- (Sasuke cut that one off right there – the possibilities were just too terrifying).

Lee…well, would use him as a punching bag. And knowing Lee's training methods…that could go on for a looooooong time….

Which left Shikamaru. Shikamaru doing Kagemane on him and then making him do the Macarena or some equally embarrassing thing through the middle of a busy Konoha street.

Sasuke blinked. He swallowed, cleared his throat, and removed the wide-eyed, oh-my-god-that's-freaky look from his face.

"That's not something you need to worry about it," the chuunin promised, and turned to catch up with Naruto, still pushing the horrifying images out of his head.

Shikamaru just nodded, smirked, and walked away.

Owari


	2. In which Naruto makes a point

Crash and Burn – Omake Epilogue #2

By: Slippery Liz

Disclaimer: Nope...Naruto still does not belong to me.

Warnings: Shounen-ai

AN: Since I've made you wait, you get Epilogue 2 right away. Much thanks to Slippery Liz for this one!

In which Naruto makes a point

Alone at last, after a long day of training, Sasuke and Naruto were engaging in some… extra-curricular activities. A peck on the cheek had moved on to making out, and that had led to some heavy petting, and heavy petting was well on its way to the next stage when Naruto pulled away.

"What is it?" Sasuke asked.

"Well… how should we do this? I mean, it's either one way or the other…" Naruto replied.

"I suppose you have an idea in mind, dobe?"

Naruto leaned in and showed Sasuke a very large, very lecherous fox-grin. Sasuke sweatdropped, and suddenly became very nervous.

"What is it?" Sasuke asked again, not even trying to delay the inevitable.

The fox-grin got wider as Naruto readied his reply.

"There's no 'uke' in Naruto."

Owari

AN: Yes, we are aware that his name is pronounced "Sas'ke" and not "Sas-uke." We're just making fun of the fact that it can look like that when written in romanji.


	3. In which Shikamaru receives more informa...

Crash and Burn - Omake Epilogue #3

By: Clever Audrey

Disclaimer: Not mine. Not making any . No problem.

Warnings: BAD PUN. Sasuke being naughty/suggestive. Implied NaruSasu - though if you've made it this far, you probably don't need the shounen-ai warning anymore, ne?

In which Shikamaru receives more information than he wants

Sasuke scowled.

_This party is boring,_ he thought. Naruto was sitting further down the table drinking and talking the ears off of Gaara, Neji and Kiba, leaving his dark-haired lover stuck losing a game of shougi to Shikamaru.

Sasuke understood that Naruto wasn't ignoring him on purpose, but that didn't get rid of his jealousy. He sighed and scowled even more down at the game board.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "You know, Uchiha, you'd have a lot more fun in life if you'd just get that stick out of your ass."

Sasuke began to glare more at the jounin, but stopped halfway through and smirked instead. "And what if I like having a…stick…up my ass?"

Naruto spit out his sake.

It would have sprayed all over Gaara, except for the thin wall of sand that rose up to protect him, so he just sat calmly and watched his loud friend now rolling around on the floor, howling with laughter.

Shikamaru groaned and clutched his head. "I did **not** want to know that, Uchiha!"

Sasuke just continued to smirk. "I know."

Finally, Naruto calmed down enough to get up off the floor. Still smirking, Sasuke left off his game with Shikamaru to collect his lover and take him home. Shikamaru barely noticed them leave, even though everyone else was still trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.

The laziest jounin in Konoha ignored all attempts to get him to explain the joke in favor of following up his train of thought: _That was WAY to much information…though I certainly didn't expect that _Sasuke _was the one getting nailed…wonder how I can use that…hmm…doesn't Kiba have a video camera? _

All requests for information fell silent at the wicked-looking smirk that was creeping onto Shikamaru's face, and the others started backing away slowly.

_Hehehe…this could be soooo much fun…_Shikamaru left shortly thereafter, his tactical genius being studiously applied to the problem of how best to blackmail Uchiha Sasuke.

Owari

AN: hehehe. Me and my dirty mind must take all blame for this one. And, as a side note, our "uke in Sasuke" jokes are just those; we know his name is pronounced "Sas'ke." Just more bad puns. ;D


	4. In which Shikamaru plots

Crash and Burn – Omake Epilogue #4

By: Clever Audrey

Disclaimer: Do not own.

Warnings: None.

In which Shikamaru plots

Shikamaru was plotting.

Ever since Sasuke had inflicted that terrible pun (and even worse mental image) on him at the party three days ago, Konoha's genius had been trying to decide how best to pay the Uchiha back.

At first he had considered finding something to blackmail the other shinobi with. This idea was tempting – but to actually find Kiba's video camera, hide it well, and then somehow deal with the resulting footage without traumatizing himself for life was just too troublesome.

But he didn't know what else to do!

He sighed, head resting on his arms as he lay on his roof, watching the lovely clouds roll by. Below him, he could hear voices of the passing people.

"What are you so upset over, Ino?" Chouji's voice, interspersed with the usual chip-crunching. They were coming to see him, Shikamaru knew, but his mother would let them in.

"I'm not upset!" Ino's voice protested. "I'm just…confused! Sasuke-kun has been acting kind of weird lately, and I don't know why!"

"Is that all?" Chouji muttered, after which the sound of chip-munching increased.

"Oh, never mind!" Ino sounded exasperated. "You wouldn't understand."

They disappeared around the corner, and Shikamaru sighed, knowing Ino would probably drag him inside for their get-together.

_'Sasuke-kun has been acting kind of weird lately'_

A rather evil smirk slowly worked its way onto Shikamaru's face. _Perfect._

He was so happy with his new plan that he rose and went back in through his open window before Ino and Chouji even got there.

Spreading bizarre rumors about Sasuke's "strange behavior" would much less troublesome – and so much _fun_!

TBC.


	5. In which Sakura and Ino exchange gossip

Crash and Burn – Omake Epilogue #5

By: Clever Audrey, with inspiration from Sly Omi

Disclaimer: I think it has been fairly well established by now that I do not own Naruto.

Warnings: Umm...unusual images of Sasuke. >;)

In which Sakura and Ino exchange gossip  
(aka, In which Shikamaru's plans come to fruition)

"Hello, Ino-pig," Sakura called out to her friend, who was just entering the tea shop for their weekly get together.

"Hello, Sakura-_chan_," Ino shot back, sitting down opposite her pink-haired friend.

"So, did you hear about Sasuke-kun?" The blonde wanted to know after their tea arrived.

"No. What happened?" Sakura hadn't seen much of her former teammate lately.

"Well, I hear that he's been acting…strange lately."

"Actually, now that you mention it, I've been hearing that too," Sakura nodded thoughtfully. "What did _you _hear?"

"Well – just that he's been…sort of…_normal_ lately. Like, normal-people normal, not Sasuke-normal."

"Yes. I heard that someone actually saw him _smile_!"

"No! Someone at the corner grocery said they heard him whistling at the store one day."

"Really? Well, we do know he can sing." Both girls shivered with delight at the memory of a certain karaoke party a few weeks back.

"Yeah, but – _whistling_? In _public_?"

"I know, it sounds way too…cheerful for him."

"I wonder if he'll still be as cool if he stops brooding all the time…" Sakura mused, sipping her tea.

"Of course he will!" Ino snapped quickly. "He's Sasuke-kun! He's cool no matter what he's doing."

Sakura nodded vaguely, and searched her memory for more scraps of conversation about the dark-eyed chuunin. "I also heard that he's been talking about renovating the Uchiha compound."

"Really?"

"Yeah! Wouldn't that be cool?"

"Uh-huh! And I heard that he voluntarily offered to baby-sit some of the Academy kids the other day."

"Well, I heard that he saved a little girl's kitten from a tree."

"And that he was helping Iruka-sensei plan camping trips for the Academy classes!"

"My mother's cousin's son heard him planning with Tsunade-sensei on how best to landscape that lot behind the Hokage tower – and then offering to do the planting himself!"

"No way! Hope he comes to our shop if it's true…. Anyway! One of my neighbors told me that he was seen in a home decorating shop picking out new curtains and stuff."

"Wow…that's hard to picture. But someone did see him exclaiming over how cute Kiba's cousin's new puppy is."

"No kidding! One of the nurses at the hospital saw him helping a little old lady across the street."

"An ANBU patrol saw him in forest, making daisy chains and wearing a crown of them!"

"The bookstore owner said he was paging through a copy of Icha Icha Paradise."

"No, Sasuke-kun? I hope Kakashi-sensei's pervertedness hasn't rubbed off."

"Yeah. My uncle's brother's daughter's sister saw him reciting poetry on top of Hokage Mountain."

"Someone saw him purchasing a fluffy white poodle, and then loudly proclaiming its name to be Pochi-chan!"

"You remember that thunderstorm the other day? The landlady's third cousin saw him dancing and singing in the rain."

"Well, the plumber's wife's son-in-law's fourth cousin once removed saw him skipping through town, dressed in nothing but a short periwinkle-blue tunic and draped with garlands of peonies!"

"Some days ago he was observed in a frilly lace dress with matching bonnet, playing dolls and tea with the baker's son's cousin's daughter and her friends."

"Oh, oh, you'll _never_ believe this one!" Ino paused dramatically.

"Well, what is it?" Sakura prodded impatiently.

"I heard…" Ino paused again and gathered herself. "I'm not sure I can say it…it's so…so…"

"Just tell me, woman!"

"Okay, okay!" The blonde took a deep breath. "I heard…that Sasuke-kun…actually…**_initiated a conversation_**."

"Ohmygodnoway!"

"Way!"

Silence.

"Really?"

"Yep."

"That's amazing."

"Yep."

"What could've changed him so much?"

"No idea."

"Think we'll ever find out?"

A pause, then Ino grinned wickedly.

"I think, my dear friend, that we should make an A-rank, all-important mission _to_ find out."

Sakura considered that, then nodded. "I agree."

They sealed it with a handshake, and went their separate ways.

TBC

AN: Hehehe...I'm not a bit peeved with our dear coughsdumbasscoughs Sasuke-kun right now...no... >.  
btw - if someone drew me a comic of this episode, I would love you FOREVER.


	6. In which Naruto is possessive

Crash and Burn – Omake Epilogue #6

By: Clever Audrey.

Disclaimer: I think we've moved beyond this now...

Warnings: Blatant shounen-ai of the NaruSasu persuasion

In which Naruto is possessive

_I love parties,_ thought Naruto as he glanced around the room. They were at Shikamaru's house (his parents were gone for the weekend), Ino having once again nagged the lazy jounin until he agreed to another party. The room was full of their circle of friends, the Sand siblings, and a few teachers who had dropped in unexpectedly (and seemed to be having just as much fun as their former students).

Though the sake was out and flowing freely, it was still early enough in the night that no one was really drunk yet – mostly people were still talking, eating, or playing games. Naruto was one of the few who was actually dancing to the music that someone had turned on about a half an hour ago. The blond teen was having a blast, but he couldn't help but wish that he had someone to dance _with_. That someone being his lover, more specifically. But Sasuke was sitting on a chair, a barely-touched bottle in one hand, gazing at the opposite wall - though Naruto knew the dark-haired shinobi was watching his dancing out of the corner of his eye.

Frustrated, Naruto threw himself into his dance with renewed vigor. _He won't dance because we still aren't telling anyone about us…which I understand…._Someone, Chouji, he thought, turned up the bass on the speakers, and Naruto could feel the beat humming through his bones. _But…he wouldn't dance even if everyone _did _know because 'It's not something I do. And I don't know how'…baka…I'd be more than happy to teach him…maybe when we're alone in our apartment…._Naruto restrained a lecherous grin.

The song ended and Naruto, out of breath, left the open area that had been cleared for dancing. Sasuke's dark eyes met his sky blue briefly, heat flashing between them. _Hah. You were enjoying that more than you let on…bastard…_but the insult was affectionate. Abruptly feeling over-heated, Konoha's Number One Loudest ninja stepped out onto the porch to cool off and catch his breath.

_Won't do us any good if I jump Sasuke in the middle of a crowded room…_

_

* * *

_

Sasuke rose and stretched as Naruto left the room, probably to cool down. _Not that I blame him. That dancing was _hot. Sasuke suppressed a smirk. Being totally honest with himself, he had to admit he'd been sorely tempted to join his lover more than once. Setting aside his sake bottle – he wasn't in the mood to get drunk – he decided to wander off and find some food. 

His only warning was a murmured, "He's alone, so now's the perfect time to get some answers!" before Sakura and Ino each glomped onto one of his arms from behind.

"Good evening, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura grinned cheerfully at him.

"How are you, Sasuke-kuuun?" Ino cooed, fluttering her eyelashes.

The Uchiha heir took a deep, calming breath. He was NOT in the mood to deal with this… "I'm fine," he replied shortly. _Damn_!_ They're holding on too tightly_!_ I wish Naruto would come back…_

_

* * *

_

Naruto took one last, deep breath of the cool air and headed back inside. _I'm hungry…think I'll see what snacks Shikamaru has this time._ He walked through the door, and stopped. 

In the middle of the room, Sakura and Ino were currently latched very firmly onto the arms of Uchiha Sasuke. _His_ lover.

Sasuke's head whipped around, his onyx eyes silently begging Naruto to free him from the two kunoichi who were pestering him loudly about something.

Naruto gave a barely imperceptible nod, and felt his eyes narrow. Sasuke was _his_, dammit!

"Get. Off." His low growl cut across the sudden quiet in the room as the CD that had been playing finished. The girls, startled to see such a hard glare coming from Naruto, did as he said. Sakura, not wanting to upset her friend further (even if she wasn't sure what exactly she'd done), backed away from Sasuke.

Ino, however, stayed close to the dark-haired teen, and glared right back at Naruto. "Why should we?"

Naruto couldn't stop the rather feral grin that crept onto his face. "Because," he said, walking quickly across the room to stand in front of Sasuke, his eyes never leaving Ino's. Then, before anyone else could react, he pulled the other boy hard up against him and proceeded to give him a very long, very thorough kiss.

"Because," the blond teen repeated huskily some moments later, looking back up at Ino with a satisfied smirk. "Because - he's _mine_." And with that, smirk becoming a full-fledged grin at the complete and utter shock on Ino's face, he turned and left the room, throwing a quick wave to the rest of the group over his shoulder.

Everyone in the room was staring in open-mouthed astonishment.

Sakura, eyes very side, wasn't quite sure what to think. Inner Sakura, however, had no such problem. _About time_! Damn_, that was hot_!

Next to her, Ino appeared to be having trouble breathing, and her face was turning an interesting shade of purple. Sakura thumped her on the back.

Hinata, bright red, was attempting to calm down Kiba, who was rolling around on the floor, howling with laughter. Shino raised his eyebrows, but remained silent.

Kurenai laughed at Asuma's wide eyes, and fought down a flush. _Hmm…I think Kiba has a video camera, doesn't he? Anko will be glad to hear about this_!

Gai struck a pose. "Yes! Youth and the power of love prevail!"

"Yes!" Lee copied his master, while secretly thinking, _Sakura will now be mine_!

Kakashi edged away from Gai, grinning under the mask. He'd been wondering when those two would finally quit being oblivious about their feelings for each other.

Gaara's face was his usual deadpan, while next to him Kankuro had decided he didn't want to know and was currently very interested in his bottle of sake.

Temari, seated next to Shikamaru towards the other side of the room, was smirking and chuckling with amusement. Shikamaru rolled his eyes and sighed. _Well, there goes my blackmail…ah well. It was too troublesome anyway._ He looked over at Chouji, still calmly munching on some chips, and they nodded to each other, grinning. Naruto always managed to keep things entertaining for them!

About this time, Sasuke shook himself out of his daze, and glanced around the room. Realizing that almost everyone was looking at him and his still-distracted expression, his dark eyes widened.

"Umm…I think I have to go…yes, I just remembered that I have to…feed my…pet…fox…." With a quick half-bow of thanks in his host's direction, he was gone, out the door in a blur faster than anyone there could follow.

At the word "fox," Kakashi promptly fell off his chair and joined Kiba in rolling around on the floor, howling with laughter. Gai continued to pose, while Asuma and Kurenai groaned.

"That was _lame_, kid…." Asuma shook his head. The younger generation was confused, but largely too much in shock to make any note of it.

Sasuke and Naruto…most of them hadn't even guessed. It made them wonder what else the two top shinobi in their group had been hiding, and then abruptly realized that they probably didn't want to know anyway.

Someone put the music back on, the sake began to flow once more, and the party went on.

* * *

Later that night, Sasuke was peeved. 

"Why did you have to do it in front of everyone? I thought we were NOT telling people."

"We weren't – and now we are. Didn't you want me to get the girls away from you?" A grin. "They'll stay away now."

"True. But still – it was in front of everyone!"

"Yeah, but wasn't seeing their faces worth it?"

"Sort of. Maybe."

"How about if I make it up to you?"

Sasuke eyed the 'I am innocent and you know you love me' look Naruto was giving him, and smirked.

"Yeah, that'll do."

Both reflected that it was good that they had neither missions nor training the next day.

Owari.

AN: Hehehe...I love Possessive!Naruto **so **much. A few more epilogues, I think...


	7. In which Kakashi and Sakura have fun

Crash and Burn – Omake Epilogue #7

By: Clever Audrey and Sneaky Cat

Disclaimer: Since it has been awhile...I do not own anything related to Naruto.

Warnings: innuendo.

In which Kakashi and Sakura have fun

Sakura made sure to arrive extra early at the bridge the next day Team 7 had a mission – she wanted to be there before her teammates arrived. Apparently Kakashi had similar ideas, because for once the masked jounin was not only on time, but early; Sakura thought she might have died from shock if she hadn't understood his reasoning.

It _was_ their first mission since the boys had revealed that they were together, after all.

"My, my, we are late this morning," Sakura commented in a lofty tone as Naruto trudged up, still yawning. "Was something keeping us up a bit late last night, perhaps?" Naruto blinked at her, apparently too asleep yet to notice the mischievous gleam in her green eyes.

"No later than usual…" he mumbled, slumping back against the bridge railing.

"And how late might that be?" Kakashi questioned innocently.

"Mmm…don't remember…wait…Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto stood up straight, pointing a finger at their teacher. "What are you doing here so early?"

"Ah, I ran into no troubles this morning, so-"

"Liar!" Naruto yelled out of habit, pointing an accusatory finger at his teacher.

"Oi, dobe, shut up."

Sakura and Kakashi looked to find that Sasuke had come up while Naruto was being loud. He was leaning casually against the railing, hands in his pockets as always. Girl and sensei glanced at each other, then grinned identical, mischievous grins. Sasuke at least had the decency to be mildly scared.

"Sasuke-kun's late too," Sakura noted, eyeing Kakashi. There was a frightening glint in the older man's eye.

"Unusual for Naruto to beat you here," the jounin told Sasuke. Sasuke promptly ignored the two. They could poke at him all they wanted, it wasn't his problem. Fortunately Naruto was no where near awake enough to know what their teammates were up too.

Kakashi smirked beneath his mask.

"Perhaps making it to the bridge isn't the only thing Naruto beat you at."

Sasuke's cheeks turned a pale shade of pink. Sakura smirked.

"That would explain why he's leaning," she told her sensei casually.

The blush darkened. Naruto began to eye her with a slightly suspicious look.

"Yes, that would explain it," Kakashi answered.

A slight twitch appeared under Naruto's eye. He was beginning to see where this was going.

"Wouldn't have expected Sasuke to be bottom."

"NANI!"

Three pairs of male eyes stared at Sakura in shocked amazement, two of the three blushing madly. She only smiled at them innocently in return.

And they thought Naruto was the number one ninja in surprising people.

Owari!

AN: Heh, thanks to Sneaky Cat for helping to finish this thing - I was a bit stuck. Next update sooner this time, I promise:)


	8. In which Iruka enjoys himself

Crash and Burn – Omake Epilogue #8

By: Clever Audrey

Disclaimer: I think that everyone here is intelligent and mature enough to know that I do NOT own Naruto.

Warnings: Umm...a little language?

In which Iruka enjoys himself

"Ano sa, ano sa, Iruka-sensei?"

"Yes, Naruto?" Iruka looked up from his lunch to see Naruto and a confused-looking Sasuke standing behind him.

"Ano sa…I just thought that I should let you know that…well…" Iruka caught a hint of mischievousness in the blue eyes. "Sasuke and I are going out!"

And with that, Naruto was gone, making his escape over a chair and around a desk to the open window.

Leaving a wide-eyed Sasuke to realize his predicament.

"You're…what?" Iruka turned back to the Uchiha, letting his eyes narrow into a scowl. He'd actually heard about it from Kurenai already, but he wasn't going to turn down the opportunity Naruto had so kindly presented him with.

"Well…what he said…" Sasuke was definitely looking nervous now. "We're going out."

"You are going out with Naruto." Iruka rose slowly from his seat, hands planted firmly on the desk in front of him.

"Yes?" Sasuke tried to back away but ran into a desk. Iruka managed to cover his grin, and took a deep breath…

"How dare you! You tried to _kill _him! Do you expect me to believe that now you all of a sudden care enough to love him properly? If you as much as dream in your darkest dreams of hurting him, I'll kill you myself! If you walk out on him I will track you down and make sure that you never see the light of day again! If you cheat on him I'll remove several important body parts and then string you up in the woods! That boy is worth ten of almost anyone in this village, and you'd better be damn sure you remember that! You'll be as good to him as is humanly possible, you hear? You'll treat him to ramen when he wants it and make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble and see to it that he's happy, or I'll get you put in charge of babysitting all the children of the village! And cleaning all the public bathrooms! You'll get nothing but the most menial and embarassing missions from now until the day you die, if he is unhappy because of you! And you're probably already corrupting him in all sorts of horrible ways! You're stealing his innocence! You've gotten just as perverted as Kakashi-san, I'm sure! Oh, the things you must be introducing him to. If you do anything dangerous with him I will see to it that you won't ever touch him again! I'll have Hokage make you work as a waiter in that sleazy bar on the edge of town! No bondage, no whips, no playing around with kunai, no sex-enhancing jutsus and no strange potions that you might come across, understand? Nothing out of those perverted books Kakashi-san reads. You'll practice safe sex at all times, or so help me, I'll..."

He ranted on until Sasuke began to look truly frightened, then stopped abruptly mid-sentence.

Sasuke blinked at the sudden quiet.

"Iruka-sensei?" he asked very quietly.

Iruka smiled at the young man and sat down. He waved a hand at Sasuke, indicating he could go. "As long as you're both happy. Take care of each other, ne?"

Sasuke, now very confused and still looking slightly shell-shocked, nodded and left the classroom, plotting revenge against his lover for that trick.

Iruka smirked. He loved playing the overprotective teacher and confusing former students. Everyone forgot that he had a mischievous streak too.

Well, everyone except Naruto.

AN: Everyone forgets that Iruka was the prankster of the Academy before Naruto. ;D Thanks for all the reviews!


	9. In which Shikamaru fights a losing battl...

Crash and Burn – Omake Epilogue #9

By: Clever Audrey (idea from Slippery Liz)

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I claim to own, Naruto.

Warnings: Umm...a bad pun and slight innuendo.

In which Shikamaru fights a losing battle

Shikamaru tried, he really did.

He fought it with all his might, abandoning laziness and exerting all his mental effort to make it go away. He pushed and prodded and thought of other things. He gazed at the normally peace-providing clouds and thought of new shougi strategies and even of Temari, though he usually avoided that subject because it was too troublesome. But in the end, it was all fruitless.

Finally, the laziest ninja in Konoha broke down and gave in to his urge to make a really bad pun.

It was a particularly hot summer day and their whole group was lazing around in the shade, attempting to cool off, and unfortunately not succeeding very well.

"I'm so hot!" Naruto whined for the fiftieth time. Sasuke smirked at that, but didn't say anything. "We've got to find some way to cool down."

_Geez, even Sasuke can suppress the urge better than me,_ Shikamaru grumbled to himself, and then sighed. It was just too troublesome to resist anymore. "Well then, Naruto, what you really need is a _fan_, now isn't it?"

Naruto quirked an eyebrow at him, and followed Shikamaru's lazy nod in Sasuke's direction. The blond ninja looked confused for a minute more, then caught on and grinned. "Yeah, that'd be perfect," he sighed, lying down with his hands behind his head. "A nice, big, sturdy one…in good colors…."

"Like red and white…" Shikamaru also lay down, a lazy smirk crossing his face as Sasuke turned to glare at them. "Though you'll have to be careful, Naruto…there are certain kinds that don't cool you off at all."

"Yeah, they just make you hotter," Kiba cut in, snickering.

"Shikamaru…Kiba…" Sasuke said warningly.

"Like the kind they use to get fires going? I've seen those. Very useful." Naruto continued thoughtfully, as though the dark-eyed ninja hadn't spoken at all.

"Mm-hmm. What you really want is the kind that actually cools you down," Shikamaru mused. "Like the big ones made from palm leaves."

"You mean the kind that some pretty, dark-haired slave woman would fan me with? That'd be awesome…but wherever would I get one of _those_?" Naruto sighed melodramatically.

"Yeah…not too many gorgeous, dark-haired _women_ around here."

"Not that you'd want a woman anyway, would you Naruto?" Kiba jibed.

Naruto shrugged and smirked. "Well, finding a gorgeous dark-haired _guy_ to fan me _would_ be easier…"

Sasuke scowled at him, but couldn't summon up the energy to tackle the blond.

"I wonder if palm trees come in red and white?"

Okay, so maybe he did have the energy after all.

Shikamaru smirked and closed his eyes, tuning out the noise of Sasuke and Naruto wrestling; annoying the Uchiha was always fun.

Maybe bad puns weren't so troublesome after all.

* * *

AN: Just one more left :D 


	10. In which Sasuke accomplishes his life go...

Crash and Burn – Omake Epilogue #10

By: Sly Omi and Clever Audrey

Disclaimer: Kishimoto-sama owns Naruto. I am not Kishimoto-sama. Therefore, I do not own Naruto. Easy, ne?

Warnings: OOCness. Itachi-bashing. Randomness.

In which Sasuke accomplishes his life goal

Itachi was sitting on his bed in the inn, lazily tossing shuriken in an effort to pin as many turnips to the wall as possible. He didn't know where the turnips came from, or why, he just amused himself by pinning them to the wall.

He had just completed another perfect throw when Sasuke appeared in the doorway, pointing dramatically at him.

Itachi stopped and blinked. How the hell did his foolish little brother know where he was?

"**YOU**!" Sasuke growled at him.

Itachi blinked again.

"I have decided!" his brother went on.

Itachi blinked a third time. "And…?"

Sasuke began to pace in the doorway. "I am **not** coming after you anymore! I do **not** care! I am going to _quit_ listening to you, and you can't make me!" He stormed out.

Itachi blinked yet again before turning back to his shuriken and turnips.

Sasuke reappeared in the doorway. "And **another** thing!"

Itachi turned slowly to look at Sasuke.

"They've canceled the color of nail polish that you wear!" He left.

Itachi thought about that for a minute, then picked up his shuriken.

Sasuke stormed in again. "And I've thrown all your spare clothes in the laundry with bleach and neon yellow dye." He left once more.

Itachi's eye twitched slightly.

Sasuke poofed back in. "And I know you're gay. And I gave your naked baby pictures to Kakashi." He strutted out.

Itachi's eye twitched a bit more.

Sasuke waltzed back in, took all the turnips and left.

Itachi blinked again, and fought off disappointment.

Sasuke sashayed in. "Oh, and just so you know, I'm gay too." He turned to go, but paused and smirked. "And **I** won the drag show."

Itachi glared.

He popped back in. "And I'm dating Naruto."

Itachi was confused.

Sasuke left. Came back. "And lastly: _Naruto is prettier than you_."

The younger Uchiha skipped out of the room.

Itachi sat, his eyes very wide, staring at the door where his brother had been.

"Naruto's…_prettier_…than…**me**?"

His twitching increased slowly to the level of epileptic fits, before his heart decided it had had enough and quit.

* * *

From down the hall, Sasuke heard a thud. Curious, he turned back and poked his head into his brother's room once more. 

Uchiha Itachi had keeled over, very dead.

Sasuke gaped. "Wait…THAT was all I had to do? Damn…." Then he smirked and walked away, dusting off his hands.

* * *

Three weeks later, word reached Konoha that Uchiha Itachi had died suddenly of a heart attack. 

"He WHAT?" Naruto yelled as he and Sasuke walked out of Tsunade's office. "Super-evil bad guys don't **do** that! Do they?"

Sasuke smirked. "Sometimes…."

Naruto eyed him warily. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing."

And with that, Sasuke actually grinned, caught up his lover's hand and dragged him back to their apartment.

And they lived happily ever after.

Owarimasu!

* * *

AN: Well, that's it. Last epilogue. O.o Really, almost all credit for this one goes to Sly Omi - it was all her idea. I just typed what she said and tweaked it a bit. I hope you've enjoyed these, and thank you all for the reviews! I really do appreciate them. :D Ja maata!  



End file.
